Limbo

A coiling, rolling
Undulating thing.
A beast that cannot be tamed,
Events that cannot be predicted.
Like a force of nature
Trying to stop it is fruitless.
Life will not fit in Pandora’s box
With it’s own curious hands
It will undo the seals
Meant to keep it under lock and key.
Who was I
To claim to know it all
To calculate and measure odds.
I believed myself prepared
Ready for the grip of icy thorns
Snaking around my limbs and torso
Rendering me unable to do as I wish.
I was so sure they would fade
Melt away leaving me with
Cold misty breath to remember it by.
Instead fire fell from the skies
As if it were rain during a monsoon
Whilst ice flooded like water where I stood
Imprisoning me in place, unable to run
As I burned and froze
Over and over again
Stuck in this tortuous limbo
Unable to see the light of dawn.
All because I wasn’t able to see the consequences
This game Life plays on me.

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Pain

Why is it that
Happiness is always chased
By the eager hearts and minds of men.
And yet pain is proof
That we have lived.
Is a life of happiness
Truly unfulfilling?
Should it be pain that we seek out instead?
For it gives us strength
It gives us a backbone
To stand tall in the face of adversity
And it burns memories
Into flesh forever.
There, within the depths of my heart,
Is a place where the light
Could not hope to reach.
And from within it’s lair
Darkness sneers yet again
Knowing that what little taste
It has employed within
Is nothing compared
To the calamity it could unleash.
My source of light, my god
Is long dead, disbelief and dislike
Hacking away at the base.
Without anything else
I turn to Darkness
“You are my light now” I confess
And it smiles back
Two rows of perfect white teeth
As if anticipating this moment
Embracing me with the arms
Of the one I long for.
It laughs with the laugh I yearn to hear
Knowing that it is now light
That could not hope to reach my heart.

Adventure

I ride to you now
On this bus
On this train
Not knowing whether the journey back home
Will feel even remotely the same.
Pain, suffering
Desire, joy
Endured it all I have.
You kept me in this confusion and mystery
A warm blanket it has been
But too hot to sleep even in winter nights.
As I offer myself to you
I wonder what will run through your mind
Surprise and shock?
Distaste and disgust?
Happiness and joy?
Answers to these questions I know not.
However I do know that despite it all
You will not destroy me.
Even if the word no leaves your lips
I will simply smile sadly
Downcast and lonely.
But if,
By some chance,
You say the words I so eagerly wish to hear
Then the whole world would smile with us
As we get a little older together.

Mystery

Now that all has been said and done
Our troubles and worries far behind us
I stand here worried, wondering
Yet excited and exhilarated.
This dance,
This game
We play
I could hardly tire of it.
There are times
Where I am worn out
By your antics
Stuck and bogged down
From unsurety.
And there are times
Where we seem to click so assuredly
That I question myself
Whatever was I so worried for.
This nervousness,
This racing heart,
I wonder if you feel it too.
Even if it’s a burden to bear at first
I wonder if you look forward to it the same way I do.
A game so shrouded in mystery
Just the way you like it.

Need

Unneeded
Unwanted
Is how I feel
Yet I need so many.
I am left to wonder if they know
Of how much I need them
To live
To breathe
To be happy.
I wonder what it’s like
To be needed
Wanted
Essential for survival.
I imagine it to be empowering
And reassuring,
For I feel fragile, weak and alone.
My heart is jealous
Of the comforts it does not have.
Comforts it sees in others
But not in itself.
I feel invisible and overlooked
Powerless to change that fact.
So indebted I am,
I refuse those whom I once needed
For I cannot bear to owe them
Anymore than I can give in return.
Such cruel irony it is
To need so much
And yet to give back so little.
Is it wrong
To want to be needed?

Jekyll and Hyde

This feeling I have little experience of
A heavy, crushing agony.
Anger and frustration burns in my limbs
My mind
My thoughts
But it is dulled by sadness, by futility
I am stuck here, the painful cold leaving me frozen
But the fire burns me from within
Hell’s gates scorches through my chest
And I am unable to lift a finger against it.
Rushing with the force of an unstoppable wave
It surges stronger every time
Leaving me battered and weakened with every strike
I fear it will not be long now
Until cracks become fractures, holes
And all I’ve worked to hold within me
Bursts out like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Confusion and Frustration are my two best friends
Keeping me company despite all else.
They sit on my shoulders
No room for angels
Whispering words into my ear
Sweet and sickly.
Hearing nothing else I obey
Acting as they see fit.
On a downwards spiral I go
Until my feet gently touch rock bottom.
A smile streaks across my face
As I am reborn
A maniacal Dr Hyde and Mr Jekyll again

Seasons

We were like two leaves
Caught up within a storm
The winds far greater
Than we could perceive.
In Autumn we fell together
From different trees
Yet found each other
As blissful as could be.
Through the Autumn winds
We held each other’s hands
Bustled about, buoyant
Never coming to ground
Stuck on Cloud nine.
In Winter we huddled ourselves warm
Wrapped under a blanket of snow
A private, quiet place for us
An icy sanctuary
That held no warmth to anyone but us.
But alas Spring arrived
To pull us apart
We met once
Or twice
Then never more
For the seasons would not see us
Dance together at all.
We are in Summer now
Doomed here to die
You know
And I know
That it’s too late to try.
Through the breezy months
Through the icy cold
Through the blustering winds
Our vitality has long been consumed.
The heat of summer takes
What little life we have left.
As I’m lying here
Crinkled and rustled
Beyond fatigue
I keep on wondering
What if the seasons
Never changed.

A night to us

We have but a brief moment in time
Amongst a night where others wined and dined
Where the music plays softly
And slowly.
I stand in front of you, bowed at the waist
One hand professed to you, my eyes urging to make haste
Warily, your supple fingers slide into my hand
With a nervous smile, “Not too fast” you demand.
Under the dance floor’s light we go
Your breath speeds up, you haven’t done this before that much I know
We take the first spin, as smooth as silk
Twirling back, you look uncertain, and gaze with guilt
As your heeled feed rest atop mine
But I cannot help but smile at a face so divine
We continue on like nothing happened
Only your face seems to get more and more reddened
The music comes to a graceful stop
Our hands, holding each other, immediately drop
And the moment is lost, lost to that time
If only the dj was a jukebox, I’d put in another dime
But alas, too late, the song is long gone
In a chance like this there is hardly time to mourn
You turn to walk off, feeling awkward amongst the rest
I clutch your wrist and turn you around, your head on my chest
“Would you like another dance?” I ask, already spinning around
“Are you sure? Because my feet seem to find yours more oft than the ground”
I nod, “It’s just practice” and we spin out under the starry night
Away from everyone’s sight
The music, still audible but only just
We have a sweet night of practice ahead, all to us.

Lighthouse

You were a gentle light.
And I was simply so moved by your plight.
Like a candle you burned ever so brightly,
Trying to extricate yourself delicately.
You stood tall for as long as you could,
Before the weight of your wax brought you down for good.
I merely watched on
As others began to notice
Your extinguished light
They hurried over with lighters
And matchsticks
To restore your blazing radiance.
They worked
For the most part
Their fire setting your wick alight
Nevertheless, a short term fix with a flame unable to truly burn
The hardened wax that was left behind, no.
You would have to remake yourself
Mold yourself anew
Set completely aflame by an inferno
Until even the most painful
Agonizing memory burned in to you
Melts away to be part of a nostalgia you can smile back on.
You will become a lighthouse again;
A port of call
For me to house
My little
Lost
Heart

Right or Wrong

My mind is a playground
For both angels and demons
To wage war upon opposing thoughts.
In between all the bloodshed
The line that separated right and wrong
Blurred right into the cracks that swallowed the liquid of life.
Purely charitable ideas and actions
Became tainted with malice
And sulfurous thoughts
Were lined by silver rather than brimstone.
I can no longer act as I please
Not when I am unsure of my own thoughts
Worrying whether I do one thing
Whilst secretly wishing another would happen.
Demons take to the skies
With their archangel wings
As angels fight and flaunt
Their new found horns and whipped tails
And my mind is left in the wake of their aftermath.
What happened to the days
Where a good deed did not have to be cast
Under the veil of suspicion and ulterior motives.
As you sit there before me
In the complete silence of the enclosed car
Angels and demons fought once more
For the right to control my actions and my words
All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing
But not in this case.
Their stalemate prolonged the moment
And you left, taking the decision away from me.
I hug you goodbye, tell you that it will be fine
And gently pat your head for good measure.
Once you were gone, the swords
And the spears were laid to rest
Where angels and demons became one in my mind again.